42 Instagram vs Real Life: Managing Expectations to Have an Empowered Birthing Experience

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[00:00:55] Erica Boland: Hey, loves I'm Erica.

Brittany Estrada: And I'm Britt. She's a chiropractor and midwife,

Erica Boland: And she's a nurse practitioner and womb healer. Together we are bridging the sacred and the scientific to help you step into deeper alignment with the incredible wisdom of your body.

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[00:01:24] Erica Boland: So settle in, preferably with a great cup of coffee. Put one hand on your heart and breathe.

As we dive in.

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Just let your eyeball soften. Let the tension melt from your jaw. Let those shoulders roll down your spine and away from your ears. And just maybe for the first time today, really check in with your body. So feeling the weight of your body against your seat. I'm just starting to notice any places that feel maybe a little tight or tense or sticky.

As you start to tune into your breath, maybe focus sending your breath to those places so that just maybe you can create a tiny bit more softness, even just 3% becoming aware now of your diaphragm, the muscle that sits right under your lungs. Seeing if you can picture it moving down and expanding out 360 degrees as you inhale and as you exhale, let it come right back to its resting position.

There's no forcing or pulling or sucking in just creating lots of space for your lungs to fully expand. I picturing now the movement of your pelvic floor mirroring the diaphragm. So as you inhale, your pelvic floor moves down and expands out just slightly and on your exhale, it comes back just creating more spaciousness in the pelvic bowl as you breathe.

And then I just invite you to check in. Notice any energy that you're holding in your body that's not yours as women, we carry so much. And for right now, I'm just gonna invite you to inhale all of that down through your root and into the earth and just allow yourself to be here right now. And when you're ready, you can open your eyes and join us for today's.

Conversation. So Erica and I were chatting before, and you know, we love to discuss all things at birth. I always love hearing Erica's stories now that she has been in practice as a midwife for a bit. And today we really wanted to open up the discussion about. The things that were shown on social media regarding birth, especially in the home birth space, or I, I should say, the fewer intervention birth space and how maybe it's not all super realistic because as we know, the things were shown on social media aren't always a reflection of reality.

And I think it's important for us to have discussions about the full spectrum of birth experiences because, you know, if you've gone back and listened to any of the episodes where we've shared some of our birth experiences, you know, we've had pretty diverse ones and I have needed a variety of interventions.

I've had everything from a C-section to a vaginal home birth. And so we just wanna open up this discussion a little bit more because I think that women, based on what they're seeing on social media, can definitely have some high expectations of how they want their births to go. And it doesn't always unfold that way.

So that's what we're gonna dive into today.

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It is not to guarantee you an outcome. It is not to give you the birth experience that you need. When I say save you, I mean like save you from a hospital birth or you know, certainly in emergency scenarios to be trained and use those lifesaving on rare occasion skills. But these Instagram births are I.

Just kind of insane in the big picture of things, and I don't say that to discredit the women that are sharing their birth stories. I think that that's like first and foremost where it should come from is the women themselves, or if the woman asks her midwife to share the story or whatever. I'm super protective in that way too, of I don't share or indicate that I'm at a birth or have been at a birth until the family's ready because.

Things are so small here, so it's like it would take one post for me for someone's entire family or friend group to know like, oh, they're in labor and that's not what we want. So social media has given us so much more awareness around home birth or like birth center birth, different birth options, and I think also can sell this false.

Advertisement of the type of birth that you will get. And it's always like the Serene Britt and I were talking about the serene quiet. She just gently breathes her baby out. And I had in the

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[00:07:15] Erica Boland: And you know what? Let me tell you, that does happen.

It absolutely happens. And also. Primal yelling and cursing and holy shits also happen. And so Britt and I were reflecting on. Sharing our birth videos with our boys. And when I showed my youngest his, and there's this like primal guttural, like from the depths of my soul isn't necessarily something that I, or future he wants on the internet, but not because that that is bad.

Or then, you know, I took a hypnobirthing class. And years ago, actually, when I was pregnant with Macklin to become an instructor. And I think that that is one of the downfalls of hypnobirthing. It's this like, if I check this box, I'll have this quiet, serene, orgasmic, whatever. Birth, and I never want a woman to feel ashamed of being loud or moving or exposing whatever part of her body she feels called to in birth.

It's like, let's go. Let's let you feel safe and supported no matter what you need to do. And that is really where we should be with when we're hiring a team. Who will support me and who do I feel comfortable being my most vulnerable self around? And the reality is that the majority of birth is physiologically normal.

It can happen at home, it can happen out of the hospital, and sometimes we need intervention, but let's not make intervention bad when it's necessary.

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But I do think it's really helpful to read a variety of different birth experiences, so understanding what a C-section could look like, understanding. What a home birth or a birth center birth could look like is really helpful because if you're only consuming these, you know, positive, beautiful images, then if things don't necessarily align with this vision that you had crafted in your head, I think that's when we can experience more like birth trauma even because you had really built up what you thought the perfect birth was gonna be, and I can pretty much guarantee you that it's it something is gonna go a little amiss.

Right. Like mm-hmm. It, it's just very rare that it unfolds exactly like your vision. And you know, when you're let down from that, that can be really challenging, especially as you're navigating your healing and processing everything postpartum.

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A post on social media the other day that was, were these professional images from this hospital birth and the, it was a photographer and doula that had this post that was shared about, you know, you can still have an empowered, et cetera, et cetera, hospital birth. And I fully agree, I full heartedly agree that you can have a.

Whatever you deem to be a successful hospital birth, and still those are professional images selected for social media, approved by the family, hopefully for social media, and don't show. The like thick of it, right? It doesn't show the every 15 minutes coming in the bright light. Like the things that are maybe more challenging in a hospital or like similarly for a home birth or a birth center, usually you are not seeing.

The full story that's gone on behind the scenes or you don't have that full information. So we latch onto these ideals instead of practicing the surrender. That really is what we're being called to during pregnancy and labor and certainly postpartum. And that is challenging, and we will absolutely be humbled where we need to.

We will learn the lessons where we need to, as we always do in life, but especially in birth because it's such a huge. Transformation every single time. Whether you are newly transforming into a mother or you're bringing your next child into this world, it is a major transformation and I appreciate talking about different fears and dreams and you know, all of these things during prenatal time so that if something comes up during labor, then.

We can help you through that. We can walk you through that. Like I wanna know if you feel like you stalled at eight centimeters or whatever in your last birth, because if you get to that point in that same feeling inside your body, even if you haven't had a vaginal exam during your. Birth center or home birth.

Our bodies hold memories deep and that might come back up. And you need people that understand that that happens and they know you and they can walk you through that. And these like quick snapshots on Instagram, it's like, holy cow. And then from the midwifery perspective too, not just from the women's perspective, it's like it does not even give an ounce.

Of what we see and experience as midwives behind the scenes and those rose petal water birth beautiful. You know, like of course we absolutely love those. And we also see some really, really hard things. So we were talking a little bit too about how obs can get such a bad name or such a bad rap, and unless you've been there.

Walked exactly in their shoes. We have no clue what they have experienced in their practice. Brett, you were talking about like the litigation risk of an OB and that just kind of hanging over their heads and I was reflecting on, yeah, I can kind of understand more as a doula of some of these things where I was like, okay, this did not need to happen.

And sometimes that's true, but also isn't that nice to say when you are not the one completely responsible for. Everything going on and the overall outcome of mom and baby?

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And you know, I always want to. Call upon the fact that, you know, some obese have seen some really scary, hard things. They've experienced, you know, losses and there's not really good support for that. So they're traumatized from these experiences and then they carry that forward into future births and so then they're gonna wanna err on the side of caution, typically.

Both from a liability standpoint, but also because you know, when you lose a mom or a baby that is extremely traumatic and you carry that with you and you know, I think it's just, it's a reflection of how the system as a whole not only fails. Moms and families and babies, but it also really fails the providers and doesn't really fully support anybody who is within it, and I think that is really important.

I think this is such an important point because yes, when you don't have a license at stake, when you don't have. You know, hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars and hours and hours of training at stake. It's easy to criticize and to, you know, point out all the things that you think the provider did wrong.

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Right? Like her example was, okay, so you want to refuse emergent care for some of like the free birth society or these unassisted births, which is a whole nother topic that we'll get into on a future podcast. But asking someone to be. Involved in that and show up for that. It's a big deal because if there is a client that is going to refuse what we know mom or baby needs potentially in order for survival, that puts us and then all of our potential future clients at risk of us not being able to provide care anymore.

And so it really is this balance of. I have to be able to show up and respect physiological birth and also understand what environment I'm practicing in. Is variable based on location. What are the community midwives around me looking like as far as their support? How about the hospital midwives and the hospital obs, and then that changes per provider and that changes per hospital, and those are some of the harder realities that have come to light.

More for me since I started practicing when I had excellent relationships or so I thought with some of these local obs and midwives and then. You have a difference in practice and difference in opinion. And some of the true colors start to show. I'm like, okay, how are we gonna actually show up for autonomy and for women's choices while also respecting one another's practice and where we're coming from?

And I think too, at the end of the day, that a lot of. In hospital like OBS and midwives don't necessarily even fully understand what we do as community midwives and what we offer or our training. And I have to hold hope, like I've said in the past, that we can come together and learn from one another in that way and begin to understand one another a little bit more instead of circling the wagon and this is right and should have done this and you know, but it takes a lot of humility to kind of back down from your.

Power position and really start to see everything that's going on, especially now when women are demanding a higher standard of care and starting to see through some of the like medically necessary that actually isn't. Options that they have in requesting more information and we've gotta be here for it.

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And so I always tell people that because I, you know, did my formative years of practice there. I definitely have a bias because I saw with my own eyes, children who were vaccine injured. Is that a reflection of the general population? No, but it was something that was very apparent for me. Right. So it definitely gave me pause.

When I was making the decision about whether or not to vaccinate my own children from there. And so I think that is such an important thing for us as providers to always be transparent about, Hey, like I have had some real, maybe you don't have to go into the details of, you know, some of the really traumatic experiences that you've had, but hey, based on my experience, like this is why I am more cautious about that.

Mm-hmm. And I think especially in the medical model. There's like this rule almost where they want providers to keep themselves so separate from patients like, I'm the provider and you are the patient, and it's like we can't even have that human connection. But if you can really come down to someone's level and be like, this is my experience as a human.

Yeah. That's where the trust really happens. And I think that is. It's so valuable and it's so important and it puts people at ease because I don't know if this is your experience, but even for me, I am a provider myself. Sometimes when I get around medical doctors, I find myself tensing up. Like I have to be on guard and ready to defend myself, and that is certainly not creating a healing dynamic, right?

It's like they're gonna question me and I'm gonna have to defend myself and my choices, and I just. I think there's so much room for more open communication and for us to just find the humanness

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Uh, and hopefully I can share, if I talk to the family and, you know, they ha I have their grace to share even this aspect of it. I was blown away by her. Connection and by the like, how she truly saw me, how she interacted with us. And at first she came into the room and she's very positive and she stands tall and she's confident.

And I had never met her before. She had no idea who I was. And so at first I was thinking like, how is this gonna go? Especially based on previous, very recent experiences with. A different provider and it's like, oh my goodness. The difference that you can make in someone's life, truly just by seeing them, just by connecting with them and seeing them as a human instead of this like, you are a home birth midwife, or you are an ob or you are a, like, there are real humans behind that label and I think.

The world would be different if we just saw the humanity in things and we could have this human connection and interaction instead of all this like red tape, legality, you know, policy. This, this, we don't, it's such, it's crazy. And what's crazy to me because of the work that I'm in or the work that we're in, is we're talking about women's health and women's choices.

This is not an ego trip. This should not be a power trip. It should not be. You're right. Are we not all here for helping people have the best experience possible? It is not my business what they choose. It is my purpose to help them know what. It entails when they make the choice that they do. And if I'm the person to support them in that or not, I hope for the same respect from them to be honest and open with me about how they view my role in their care as a midwife.

What do they expect of me? What does it mean to them to hire community midwife, and what does it mean for them to want a home birth or a birth center birth? Like these are the conversations that need to be had. So that I can understand where they're coming from. Have they had any experience with this before?

Have they done some research? Is there only experience in Instagram birth? Because I would honestly consider that a yellow flag. We would have to have a lot of conversations. It's like, well, I saw this, and the exposure of it is like, great. Yes, there are so many other options out there than the like mainstream Western medicine, but.

There's so much more to be talked about than just what Instagram or Facebook or Twitter or whatever shows us.

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Because so often we are looking for answers outside of ourselves, and this is true whether you decide to go for a very standard. Hospital birth or your favorite influencer, just have this gorgeous home birth and you wanna emulate that. There still has to be informed choice and you have to really understand the path that you're choosing and all the consequences that could potentially go along with that, you know?

Again, I really believe that with my first birth experience, I had a very medically necessary C-section. I had an infection. Both my son and I had fevers by the time he was born. He was in the NICU for two weeks, 20 rounds of antibiotics. I. My healthiest child, I have no idea how. And then I had a really beautiful healing home birth that I really only had because we were in the middle of a pandemic and I wasn't sure they were gonna let Erica into the hospital to be my doula.

Truly like that's the reason. So, you know, I, again, I think it is so important that we dig deeper than what we are what? Than just like the surface level thing that we're being shown. Whether that is the home birth, on social media, or whether we're choosing the OB that takes our insurance plan. That's the other one that really gets, yeah.

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And I think that we just have to continue to show up for those lessons and at least be able to see the mirror in it. Or have people around us that can help us see the mirror in it a little bit more and more often, and right back to just, you know, there are so many things that are out of our control, truly, but how we support one another as providers in how we support our patients and clients is absolutely within our control.

And sometimes that means saying. I am sorry. I think that I like, I don't think that I'm the provider for you based on these wishes or based on, you know, that's part of it too, and not just wanting to help. Absolutely. Everyone being honest in that way and to touch on, I can know more guarantee you a.

Beautiful Instagram birth. As I can say, this absolutely will not happen when you see a horrific story of a home birth, usually, because usually the horrific stories from the hospital don't necessarily make the news as much, but it's like these are the extremes. The majority lies somewhere in the middle.

And as providers, it's our job to know when the middle. Gets outside of Italy and needs more support than what? We had hoped for.

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It is. I. So filled with lessons and so often we can't understand why things unfolded the way they did, and that's just part of the human experience. And if only, if only, we could control every aspect of it. But that's just unfortunately not part of the plan for being human. So yeah, I think this is such a great conversation and one that we will.

Continue having, but we would love for y'all to share your thoughts with us. You can always connect with us via social media or send us an email. We will link some of our birth stories from previous episodes for you to go back and listen to, and we look forward to. Having you on another episode. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of the Womb Women Podcast.

We are thrilled you joined us today and hope you found the conversation as inspiring as we did to connect with us further. Follow me Brit on Instagram at be Brit Estrada and Erica at Be Movement Midwife. For more information on how to work with us, check out our websites Linked in the show notes. We can't wait to have you join us for the next episode, but until then, we invite you to step into your power and embrace the wisdom of your body.

Bye for now.

Just as a reminder, the information shared here is for educational purposes only and not a substitute for Pro. Professional medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider for any medical questions or concerns.